Fat Merchant Princes(tm)

It's no Surprise...

2006-06-03T13:06:00.000+12:00

I’ve been thinking about conspiracies.

Okay, here’s the thing: the secret’s out. Aliens crashed at Roswell, and the government has been working with the remains, or the survivors, or human-dog-fishbaby hybrids ever since. To make stealth bombers and particle cannons for use in Iraq, or somesuch thing. Everyone knows it, right? Or at least, everyone knows that it either did happen like that, or else if it didn’t a lot of people have got a lot of mileage from circulating the rumour. But by now, we’ve ALL heard the rumour, so if WE have, then so have our characters.

And Jesus married Mary Magdalene and they had a baby while touring England. The Catholic Church has secret Vatican Documents™ that trace the lineage throughout two thousand years of Templar and Freemason/Illuminati plotting and scheming. They’ve used gold from Solomon’s Temple to manipulate historical figures like puppets on a string. Da Vinci knew about it. He was the secret head of the Society of Left-handed Mirror-Writing Gnostics, and he used medieval alien-wreckage to build the first pedal-powered wooden stealth bomber to put the serious frighteners on Templar head-worshipping goat-fornicating heretics hiding out in an Ethiopian citadel built on the ruins of Black Jerusalem. Or was it a Merovingian citadel in Turin? Anyway, he told Michelangelo about it through the use of cryptic gene-ciphers tattooed on a young paintgrinder’s glans.

Surprised? Of course not. Everyone knows about it. Same as everyone knows that the Anti-Christ is going to be born (or has been born) with a curious mole-pattern shaped like 666 somewhere on his (or her) body. Except it isn’t curious, is it? Because everyone knows about it.

You can’t write horror or SF where the kicker hangs on the revelation of a conspiracy anymore, because we’re all overdone. X-Files saw to it. The Omen saw to it too, and so (now) has The Da Vinci Code. If a story hangs off a big ‘revelation’, chances are readers will have difficulty suspending belief. But not suspending belief in the revelation, but rather suspending belief that a character hasn’t already heard of something like that… er…already.

Which sucks, really, because if you can’t have a character act surprised when they are confronted with the revelation that vampires actually exist, or ghosts, or aliens or whatnot – one of the writer’s tools is taken from the tool-chest. If you do it, you’re just asking more suspension of disbelief(SOD) from your reader than you actually need. The best genre stories should ask no more SOD from the reader than they absolutely require.
We writers all just have to work a little harder and hang our stories off something other than the BIG REVELATION.

I hate those X-File wankers. They all need a damn good flogging with an Opus Dei monk-flail.

I'm a friend of Apex

2006-05-26T15:23:00.000+12:00

Apex Publications is holding a weekend-long Memorial Day sale. All copies of Apex Science Fiction and Horror Digest will be 25% until the the 30th. All subscriptions are also 25% off.
This means that:
Issue five is only $4.50 US/$5.50 CND/$8.88 International
Subscription rate is only $15 US/$18 CND/$27 International

Get them all at the Apex Shopping Mall.

Information Revolution

2006-02-09T14:56:00.000+13:00

Mainline Sequence
Apex Digest online - February 2006

Regular readers of Mainline Sequence should know by now that I like dark spec-fic. Funny that, given the publication preferences of Apex Digest. So it will come as no surprise (unless you've been overindulging in recreational mind-fucks and are now trying to function with the cognitive faculties of a lizard) that I worship the work of Brit spec-fic comic writer Warren Ellis.

Ellis's work appeared in the 90's with one-shots for various UK comics including Judge Dredd and Blast! Magazine, and then later in US titles such as Marvel's Doom 2099. But his tour de force, and arguably the work for which he will be most remembered, was the 1998 60-issue gonzo-punk dystopic saga of rabid reporter Spider Jerusalem: Transmetropolitan.

In Transmet, Ellis rubbed our noses in an exploration of a world where information is everything. Information is at the heart of corrupt government; it results in genetic re-engineering for "alien" cult followers, and utilises attack-cancers and bowel-disruptors which are not just incidental window-dressing spec-fic props, but speak to the perversity of modern techno-sociological trends.

In other words, he holds a dark mirror up for us to see ourselves clearly.

In December 2002, Wildstorm published issue 1 of Ellis's first major post Transmetropolitan project: Global Frequency. The contemporary setting of Global Frequency lends strength from being published in the post-9/11 era. A global network of 1001 ordinary people who each possess an area of specialty are linked by cell-phone to the Global Frequency. The co-ordinating field officer Miranda Zero can bring members of the Global Frequency together to respond to emergencies:

ring ring

"Hello, Mr Stark. You're on the Global Frequency."

And just like that, an ad-hoc team converges to deal with a guy whose head is going to explode into a min-black-hole, or mutant six-million dollar (wo)men, or aliens, or the appearance of an angel. But in between, Ellis's vision deals with real-world terrors (including a terrorist attack on London), and violence, violence violence. The important thing is the idea of the Global Frequency, the idea that information can not only lead to corruption and degeneracy (as in Transmetropolitan), but that it can be used to respond to those things.

Interestingly, I recall reading Ellis's blog in 2003, while he was still working on some of the issues of Global Frequency. He sat in his local pub and uploaded his blog from his PalmPilot via a WiFi connection. It is fitting, then, that this issue of Mainline Sequence is being written on a PalmPilot in my local pub, and will be uploaded via a WiFi connection. Commonplace now. Exotic back then.

Furthermore, Global Frequency was made into a TV pilot by Warner Brothers. When the executives decided not to air the show, a copy was leaked to BitTorrent and the P2P reception was overwhelming.

How fitting.

Each issue of Global Frequency is self-contained, so the plot is tight, the art is hot and immediate, and the issues add up to one of the best convergences of the various skills that go into making speculative fiction sequential art storytelling.

Dark? Yes.

Disturbing? Oh yes.

If you like reading Apex Digest, then chances are you will love Global Frequency. It has recently been re-released as a two-issue graphic novel.

Buy it.

Warren commands you.

Not for Children

2005-12-11T12:44:00.000+13:00

Mainline Sequence
Apex Digest online - December 2005

Picture books in modern times have come to be associated with children’s books.

There have always been illustrated stories, right from the time the first cro-magnon slapped her bloody hand on a cave wall after a successful hunt brought a few mammoth steaks back home (I’m assuming a ‘she’ because the guys were likely too busy leaving bloody handprints on each others’ backs and thighs as they slapped each other in congratulations and talked themselves up). “Hmmm,” she thought. “That looks a bit like Og. If I just add a smear here for his head, and another one here for his arm, then…” and so it went. Stone Age Stan Lee or Michaelangelo?

Rudolph Dirk's Katzenjammer Kids, which appeared on December 12, 1897, was the first strip to use sequential panels and in-panel dialogue balloons. Superheroes turned up in 1938 with DC’s Superman, they started getting introspective in the 1960’s with Marvel’s Incredible Hulk and Amazing Spiderman. The 1980’s and 1990’s saw comics go edgy and dark with titles such as Frank Millar’s interpretation of Batman, and Alan Moore’s many works such as V for Vendetta, Watchmen, and From Hell.

And so on.

One of the titles that helped fuel the X-generation comic renaissance of the 90’s is Neil Gaiman’s The Sandman graphic novel series (read: “epic”).

The central character in the series is Dream, one of the seven Endless who are other than gods – they are the embodiments of aspects of existence. Destiny, Death, Destruction, Dream, Despair, Desire, and Delight(Delerium). Dream is captured in 1916 by an occult group, and held prisoner until he escapes in 1988. The consequences of his imprisonment become clear in the course of the 75 part series.

The series ran several storylines, all combining in a grand story arc that left fans wanting more at the conclusion. Gaiman went on to other projects, but has returned from time to time to re-visit Dream of the Endless. One of those returns was Sandman: Dream Hunters (2000), a classic Japanese tale (adapted from The Fox, the Monk, and the Mikado of All Night's Dreaming) that Gaiman has adapted and absorbed into his Sandman universe.

But the Dream Hunters is not told in sequential panels. It is prose text with magnificent full-page painted illustrations by one of Japan’s premier and most popular modern artists, Yoshitaka Amano. Amano is famed in the West for his work with the Final Fantasy video game series, and his depiction of Vampire Hunter D. The combination of Gaiman’s prose style (developed through writing Neverwhere and stardust) with Amano’s fluid multi-medium illustration, results in a book that delivers a reading experience that can only be described as “sensuous”.

Moving right along, Amano teamed up with award winning comic and novel writer Greg Rucka to create Elektra and Wolverine: The Redeemer (2002) for Marvel. The story is classic: Elektra Natchios plans to assassinate a wealthy and powerful scientist, but is interrupted by the victim’s daughter. Logan is employed to protect the girl by government agents, and the two supremely skilled fighters face off in the streets of new York. The grand finale is haunting.

Both books are more than prose with illustrations: the art helps drive the story on an emotional level, as well as breathing movement and action into the words. But they are also more than standard panel sequences. Amano exhibits internationally, and his talent is a unique fusion of ancient and modern; East and West. The art is sexy, and so the stories become sexy even though one is a fable and the other is a superhero story. But the art is also raw. The primeval handprint can be seen in Amano’s work, and again: the art infuses the text with some of that raw, primeval, energy.

Most of all, both these “picture books” are serious. They are for grownups. They are not for children.

If you like Gaiman, get hold of The Dreamhunters. If you like Elektra or Wolverine, get The Redeemer. Most of all, if you like sensual, raw, beautiful art to infuse your reading, then get hold of both.

You're not so cock-sure now, Christopher Robin

2005-12-08T10:49:00.000+13:00

Results just in from the Apex Digest competition:

Dear Finalist,

I regretfully inform you that your story did not place in the top four and therefore not eligible for publication or prizes. Rest assured, all twelve stories were top-notch, and was the primary cause of the delay in the announcement of the judge panel's decision.

On the positive side, Ben Bova, Jason Marchi, and M.M. Buckner has offered their professional expertise to help expand on your story, if this is something you're interested in pursuing. I'll have contact information for you in the next few days.

I asked Dr. Bova if he'd like to look at one of my short stories and offer advice. The silence was deafening.

Best,

Jason Sizemore

I am Joe's SF writer...

2005-12-08T10:19:00.000+13:00

I am:

Stanislav Lem

This pessimistic Pole has spent a whole career telling ironic stories of futility and frustration. Yet he is also a master of wordplay so witty that it sparkles even when translated into English.

Which science fiction writer are you?

I actually have a hefty chunk of polish ancestry. My great-great grandmother would be proud!

I'll never write another word.

2005-11-30T21:57:00.000+13:00

Why bother?

There is nothing left to write:

Thanks for the memery...

2005-11-30T20:48:00.000+13:00

I stole this from Martin Livings' blog:

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, (even if we don't speak often) please post a comment with a COMPLETELY MADE UP AND FICTIONAL memory of you and me. It can be anything you want - good or bad - BUT IT HAS TO BE FAKE.

When you're finished, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people DON'T ACTUALLY remember about you.

Flux Capacitor

2005-11-29T09:35:00.000+13:00

I just constructed a
Flux Capacitor out of a tightly coiled rubber band, and three map pins.

Cool, huh?

Now all I need is 1.2 "jiggowatts" of power...

The Tangled Dead

2005-11-21T13:41:00.000+13:00

I entered the Apex Science Fiction and Horror Digest Halloween competition for a Science Fiction Ghost Story (2000 word max), which closed for submissions last Friday. The top 12 submissions are being forwarded to a celebrity panel comprising Ben Bova, Jason Marchi, and M.M. Buckner.

Writing as an unknown from New Zealand is such an uphill battle, so getting exposure to genre stalwarts such as them is a fantastic prize in and of itself.

This e-mail came from Apex Digest editor Jason Sizemore today:

Congratulations! Your story was selected as one of the
twelve sent to our finalist panel of Ben Bova, Jason March, and M.M. Buckner.

The panel will be choosing a winner and top four in the next three to
five days.

Best,
Jason Sizemore

Perhaps more significantly for me, is that my entry The Tangled Dead is the first completely original prose (unrelated to previous work) I have written since Whiskey in the Jar (Aoife's Kiss #11, Dec 2004).

The prizes for the competition are:

First Prize:

$100
Publication of story in issue four of Apex Science Fiction and Horror Digest.

Subscription to Apex Science Fiction and Horror Digest (if already a subscriber, four issues will be added to their subscription).

"Alien Head" Apex t-shirt
Interviewed in the January 2006 edition of Apex Online.
Signed copy of Orson Scott Card's "Characters and Viewpoints"
Signed copy of Mary Doria Russell's "The Sparrow" and "Children of God"
Signed Special Limited Edition Hardcover of Brian Keene's novel "Terminal". This is #199 of 400.
Printer proof signed copy of Barry Maher's cult novel "Legend"
Signed paperback copy of Bryan Smith's novel "House of Blood"
DVD Box set of X-Files "Black Oil" donated by Horrorview.com
DVD Box set third season of "Roswell" donated by Horrorview.com
DVD of movie "Written in Blood" signed by director Simon Cox and cast
"Sin-Jin Smyth" movie poster signed by director Ethan Dettenmaier and cast
Signed copy of Steve Savile's rare "Houdini's Last Illusion"
Signed UK hardcover copy of Sherrilyn Kenyon's "Sins of the Night"
Signed galley copy of M.M. Buckner's latest novel, "War Surf"
Signed paperback copy of JA Konrath's "Whiskey Sour"
Signed CD from Midnight Syndicate - The Thirteenth Hour

Second, Third, and Fourth Prize:
$25
Subscription to Apex Science Fiction and Horror Digest (If already a subscriber, four additional issues will be added to their subscription)
Publication of story in Apex Online

ASiF

2005-11-15T07:58:00.000+13:00

Check out ASif! (Australian Specfic in focus!) – launched today with over 50 reviews by 22 reviewers of Australian speculative fiction and comics! The site aims to double review every Australian publication, author and artist of specfic. A big task, but someone's gotta do it.

The aim is to have all the low-down you need to find out what you want to read and where you need to go to buy it. And for the next month, there are freebie prizes, including a copy of the forthcoming Shadow Box CD, for spiffy answers to the online treasurehunt! Go there!

Andromeda Spaceways Inflight Magazine #20

2005-11-13T10:37:00.000+13:00

Andromeda Spaceways Inflight Magazine #20

Editor Stuart Barrow points out in the opening pages of Andromeda Spaceways Inflight Magazine #20 the need for speculative fiction to have an element of fun if it wants to cross the divide between “uh-huh” and “hey, cool!” Barrow’s other editorial offering of note is the Gastronomicon, a SpecFic story and recipe book, which certainly suggests he is strong in his conviction.

And to a large extent, in ASIM #20, Barrow has succeeded in delivering his intended story collection. ASIM #20 manages to capture simple effective storytelling more akin to the new Doctor Who TV series than to the self-important bloat and pseudo-gravitas of Star Wars I-III (Barrow’s own comparison). The stories are of consistent quality and the interior art by feature artist Brian Smith is similarly consistent throughout the magazine.

Barrow proudly declares in his opening that he has picked a ghost story, an old-school dystopian science fiction story, a conspiracy story, a psycho ex-girlfriend story, a robot story, and a page three girl courtesy of Brian Smith.

The villain! This reviewer thumbed through page after page looking for gratuitous nudity, but alas - when found, it turned out to be another frelling robot!

(The detailed version of this review can be found at the AsIF website opening November 15)

Modranecht wins Christmas Karnage

2005-11-12T08:45:00.000+13:00

The competition results over at The Wicked Karnival were announced today. Tom Moran posted the following:

THE WINNER OF CHRISTMAS KARNAGE IS...
-------------------------------------
There is one story in this competition that, in the judges' minds, stood above the rest in creativity and, well, the ability to really get under your skin. The winner of the fourth Killer Kritique contest is:

MONDRANECT by Bryn Sparks

Bryn's effective use of the non-conventional 2nd person voice not only displayed a wonderful command of language and storytelling, it also thrust the reader directly in the middle of this sick, disturbing tale. I for one bit my nails down to the skin as I read. This story stuck in my head LONG after I finished it, and I've gone through it three times now. The ambiguity of the narrative lends it a nightmarish feel and, well, that thing in the yard is just horrific! Congratulations, Bryn--you've earned it.

Slipstream

2005-11-07T16:00:00.000+13:00

Mainline Sequence
Apex Digest Online - November 2005

Mainstream Superhero comic literature has always dabbled with alternate reality editions and storylines. Memorable examples include Bizarro Superman, who rules a cube-shaped world full of distorted Superman and Lois Lane duplicates, and the original Justice Society of America/Justice League of America team-up in issues 100-102 (Aug-Oct 1972) of Justice Society of America.

The tendency of comic mainstays to be reinvented or re-examined through alternative reality 'what if' scenarios has spawned an entire sub-genre of slipstream lines such as the DC 'Elseworlds' series. The various titles in the series provide a platform for examining characters through different lenses, and exploring possibilities that could never make it into the 'prime reality' storyline. Perhaps one of the more interesting 'what if' stories in that series is Mike Barr's "Batman: In Darkest Knight" title illustrated by Jerry Bingham, wherein Bruce Wayne, instead of Hal Jordan, becomes the Green Lantern for the space sector including Earth.

Keep in mind that the real Green Lantern's power ring is only limited by the will power of the wielder. Remember also that the real Batman has no 'super' hero powers, and is sustained and made mighty through the exercise of his will power. What do you get if you put those two ideas together? The Green Lantern creed is "In brightest day, in darkest night".

They didn't name the book "Batman: In Brightest Day".

'Nuff said.

The slipstream movement is not limited to DC titles. Marvel have an excellent series out (available in a trade paperback collection) called "Exiles". A group of six characters from various marvel titles have been sent on missions through the multiverse to correct timestream errors in each of those realities. Once each mission completes, the group move on to the next mission. Dead members of the group are immediately replaced.

The cool thing about the series is not the ongoing plot (which becomes somewhat of a background) but rather the opportunity to see well known characters in roles utterly unlike those more well known to us. Wolverine is sometimes a hero, sometimes a villain, and in one arc he is the crippled inheritor of Charles Xavier's role as director of the institute for training young mutants.

The alternate reality setting allows the various writers to have a field day with no holds barred. Earth gets wiped out several times, main characters die off like flies, chaos, mayhem, and lots of soul-searching about what it means to be a super hero ensues.

Slipstream print literature tends to be Philip-Jose-Farmer intense, or Robert-Heinlein dumb. In comics, however, it has a rich tradition and most importantly... it's fun.

'Nuff said.

For what it's worth:

2005-10-05T20:40:00.000+13:00

My top three SpecFic book picks from
Apex digest Reviews

Shadow of the Torturer by Gene Wolf - The first book in the Urth of the New Sun tetralogy, and perhaps the bar-setter for New Weird published back when the rest of the genre world was still getting to grips with Cyberpunk. Set in an ancient future, Wolfe's literary masterwork speaks to the present about truth and identity through his narrative of a young torturer's journey from apprentice to emperor and saviour. I recommend this book because it will lead you into Wolfe's world which comes full circle through two subsequent trilogies.

The Player of Games by Iain M. Banks - A single book that displays the Culture, Banks' amusingly insightful and deeply disturbing dys-utopic galactic civilisation, in exquisite relief. A single book that showcases Banks' ability to show a reader a doorway leading to depravity and inhumanity, and for the reader to willingly pass through. A single book that holds between its thin covers a dissection of morality and western politics presented in rich, clever, and exciting SF prose. If you only ever read one SF book, then read this one.

The Real Story: The Gap Into Conflict by Stephen Donaldson - Genre writing is a fickle world, and nothing highlights that fickle nature so much as that Stephen Donaldson is famous for 'Thomas Covenant' rather than his Wagnerian Ring cycle inspired Gap series. The fabulously flawed main characters are introduced in The Real Story, and the scene is set for the grand events of the subsequent books in the series. Without doubt, Donaldson's SF offering is the most pure and mature example of Space Opera to enter the popular market. The Real Story is the first (and shortest) of five books that combine page-turning action with operatic plotlines to produce that rare thing: a SpecFic book genuinely written for adults.

Steampunk

2005-10-05T13:37:00.000+13:00

Mainline Sequence
Apex Digest Online - October 2005

Although steampunk literature appeared virtually (pun intended) at the same time as its cyberpunk parent genre with works such as Jeter's appalling 1979 Morlock Night and Heinlein's equally atrocious 1980 Number of the Beast, it wasn't until Gibson's and Sterling's 1992 The Difference Engine that steampunk came into sharp focus. Having said that, an often overlooked precursor was Michael Moorcock's Grand Bretan from his Eternal Champion cycle.

Steampunk is the branch of SpecFic that combines alternate historical (usually Victorian) settings with cyberpunk trappings. Identity and politics and counterculture are examined through the devices of cybernetics and information technology wrapped up in exagerated steam technology. Or enhanced steam technology. Or extrapolated steam technology.

In visual media, a watered down version of steampunk gave rise to TV shows and movies such as Wild Wild West, but it could be argued that the 'punk' was missing. Not so Alan Moore's brilliant League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (currently two volumes), which combines 19th century adventure literature with 20th century superhero comicbooks to produce a steampunk masterpiece starring Dracula's Mina Harker (going under her maiden name of Murray), Captain Nemo, Dr Jekyl/Mr Hyde, Wells' Invisible Man, and H. Rider Haggard's Alan Quartermain as the League. In the first series the League are set against Moriarty, and in the second they rise to the defence of Earth against H.G. Wells' Martian Invasion, with Jon Carter (and many many others) making a guest appearance.

Less well known, although easily The League's equal in narrative complexity, is Joe Kelly's Steampunk: Manimatron (which brings together the first five issues of his Steampunk comicbook series). The rich detail of the illustrations mirrors (and is integral to) the temporal mind-fuck of Kelly's story, set in an England held in the hundred year thrall of archeo-science maven, Lord Absynthe. The people are revolting, and need a leader. The vivacious cyber-assassin Victoria (yes yes, it's THAT Victoria) is playing a double-game, so it falls to temporal refugee Cole Blacksmith (urged by political activist Robert Peel) to fill the role. The story details the reluctant Blacksmith's rise, but it does so in such a way that an immediate re-read is called for by the time the last page is turned.

Steampunk works better in the comic medium than any other -- sometimes you need to see it to believe it, and yet by its nature there also needs to be a literary feel to the work to capture the nineteenth century adventure literature flavour. Comics are also very much a part of the punk culture (less now than in the eighties and nineties perhaps).

Either of the titles described in this article would make great launch points into the subgenre.

Apex Science fiction and Horror Digest (Fall 2005)

2005-10-03T17:10:00.000+13:00

I'm a contributor to this issue.

So sue me.

That said, let me talk about Jason Sizemore's latest collection of macabre Specfic in his own words:

Best.

Issue.

Ever.

Did the issue live up to the hype? Hell yes!

It kicks off with The Kaarst; a post global-warming character study by novelist M.M. Buckner set (fittingly given the publication's home) in Kentucky. The impoverished albino locals are living a subsitence existence deep underground, but what they lack in worldly goods and material sophistication, they make up for in their generosity of spirit and the richness of their dreams. And they have great hope. Buckner describes the final hours of an interloping geologist from the material-rich Greenland.com, a thinly disguised inheritor of Imperial America. Through her protagonist, Buckner throws spiritual enoblement and altruism up against the ponderous cruelty of neglected nature. The story leaves one wondering wherein lies the greater meaning. This is a good thing.

I'll not talk of my own Accountant: Life on the Streets other than to note that the name of the bar in the story was changed from the original "pHrUt3 bRut3" to "The Radioactive Monkey" so the story could be submitted to Requiem for a Radioactive Monkey (fortunately for Apex Digest, A:LotS was duly rejected from that worthy publication). In a stroke of cosmic irony, Apex Digest (a Kentuckian publication) contains a story by a New Zealand writer featuring a bar called "The Radioactive Monkey" and also a story by a Canadian writer (Barbara Geiger) who has previously been published in Requiem for a Radioactive Monkey. What are the chances of THAT?

And then it gets very dark indeed.

Big Sister/Little Sister by Jennifer Pelland is that rare thing in the sophisticate modern genre world within which we live: a horror story. From start to finish, the story layers spite and malice and cruelty and hurt to a screaming nub of horror; an irresistible vortex of incredulity that (at the risk of giving all away) leaves the reader crying "For the love of God, Montresor!"

The Meateaters by Sue Lange is a cock-teaser of a story. Monstrous behaviour is made commonplace, and even greater monstrosities are hinted at. The ending is an obvious corollary of the underlying premise if the reader can clear their head of nasty voyeuristic possibilities long enough to think straight. The title says it all.

Heroes, All by novelist Steven Fisher is a brave story of sacrifice and (possibly) redemption. Thematically, it is well placed with The Kaarst and Accountant: Life on the Streets in that a measure of closure is achieved, and the reader is drawn through the SF trappings of a conquered Earth and time-shifted settings for the pleasure of alien overlords possessing famous people from the past. A bittersweet tale, and no mistake.

Irish writer Artie Nolan's story Upgrade won second place in the BBC World Service short story contest. Any description of the plot will likely blunt the sting-in-the-tail. Suffice to say that it uses an established POV gimmick to excellent effect. If the reader is familiar with the 1953 Fantasy Award winning City by Clifford Simak then Upgrade will resonate as a well written homage to the trope. If not, then it will certainly deliver a head-smack at the end and prompt an immediate re-read.

Human Resources by Christopher Stires provides an understated pause for the reader who chooses to progress through the issue in sequential order. It reads almost as a black comedy; a parody of our Occupational Safety and Health obsessed culture tackling workplace stress head-on. The denoument is a wake-up call to the reader as much as it is to the protagonist.

But for this reviewer, the sit-up-and-take-notice-of-THIS-one-boys-and-girls story is Trees of Bone by Malawian writer (and stand-up comedian) Daliso Chaponda. It has a gentle start owing more to magical realism than dark SpecFic, with a wedding in a near-future rural village. A village hot-head has been injured during a foray into the nearby town, and tribal violence bubbles near to boiling. But the elder Katulo insists the wedding should go ahead to help defuse calls for revenge, and during the wedding the reader is introduced to his power of Waking temporal ghosts. That power is used later in the story to terrible effect. Chaponda's skill is that he uses the horrors of the Tutsi/Hutu racial cleansing from our own recent past to infuse his story with a powerful morality rich with allegorical references, African/European ideological collisions, and past/future tension. This story uses the device of science fiction for a compelling examination of the Tutsi-Hutu conflict. Extremely professional, and highly recommended reading.

Little Black Boxes by Canadian writer (and Radioactive Monkey) Barbara Geiger relates a tale of human freedom fighters caught in a web of betrayal and counter-betrayal between warring factions of Earth's alien (body-snatching) conquerors. The gruesome elements and shifting frame of reference work well with the harder science fiction elements, but Geiger's strength is in presenting sympathetic characters who respond to their extreme situation with true humanity.

Alexandria and Nebs by the prolific Bill Eakins will not be to everyone's taste, but stands nonetheless as a bittersweet short story that in very few words paints a beautiful character sketch against an abyssal backdrop. Alexandria and Nebs are the remnants of the AI of an archival extra-galactic expedition. The story relates the finale of their eons-long deterioration. A gem of a story set amidst the preceeding gore, and well worth finding.

The Parting Shot for this issue is Within the Darkness by K.A. Patterson. It seems to be a snap-shot story that certainly aspires to the Dark SF niche Apex sets out to achieve. But for this reviewer the lack of flash-fiction punch made it the weakest contribution in an otherwise extremely powerful collection.

The non-fiction is of the same high standard as in previous issues. Editor Jason Sizemore has demonstrated Issue #2 was no accident and he has a sure hand at the tiller. His vision has always been clear, and now with Issue #3 he displays confidence more befittting an industry veteran.

Best.
Issue.
Ever.

... untill Issue #4!

The Thing in the Refrigerator that could Stop Time by Mathew Kressel

2005-10-01T11:56:00.000+12:00

There are many small press publications, (and even more web publications) touting for horror, who state in their guidelines that anyone whose stories feature the usual tropes of vampires, or demons, or ghosts need not apply. They want new ideas, new forms of horror, and God help us all if anyone dare submit any of the things that have given the horror fanbase the chills since Adam was a cowboy.

The thing is, those elements crop up time and again, because they do put a frightener on readers IF they are handled well by the writer. It could be argued that the protesting publishers see a lot of bad writing incorporating vampires and demons and ghosts not because the vampires and demons and ghosts are the subject of the stories, but just because there a lot of writers who have yet to get to grips with their craft.

Not so Matthew Kressel (himself the publisher of Sybil's Garage).

In The Thing in the Refrigerator that could Stop Time e-published in Apex Online #7 , Kressel offers his readers a take on the old horror trope of the nasty-little-things-are-out-there-but-we-just-can't-see-them-and-if-we-could-we'd-all-go-mad. His narrative style reeks of craft.

The slightly-out-of-dimensional-step-creatures (fug it, let's just call them 'creatures' from now on) have the power to slow percieved passage of time (given their ability to alter thought, one presumes the mechanism is through speeding up perceptual processing, but that's just the SF writer in me). Similarly, Kressel contracts and telescopes time during his sophisticated narrative technique, so that when the main character reaches the climax of his slow-motion bid to prevent a captured creature from escape, so too the reader has joined the protagonist with a full grasp of the events leading to the current crisis.

Just as artfully, everything is ripped away from the protagonist at the same time the reader is left with a nagging suspicion that perhaps the story is an exploration of the emotional disintigration of a very unhappy man, rather than a tale relating the events of an objective reality. And ultimately, the story is more about the nature of perception, and about personal responsibility, than it is about a supernatural 'Twilgiht Zone' set of events.

See what can be done with 'tired' horror tropes in the hands of a skilled horror writer? Take THAT and stick it up your arse, all you 'we-don't-accept-vampires-demons-and-ghosts' poseur publishers out there.

SF-Horror short story competition

2005-09-30T12:37:00.000+12:00

This from Apex Digest - Ben Bova has been confirmed as a Celebrety Judge:

Apex Digest Halloween Short Story Contest
In what we hope will become an annual tradition, the editors of Apex Science Fiction and Horror Digest would like to announce the initiation of the Annual Apex Digest Halloween Short Story Contest.

Subscribers: First Entry is Free
Each additional entry is $2.00
Non-Subscribers: First Entry is $5.00
Each additional entry is $3.00

The purchase of any issue of Apex Digest from the Apex website, ProjectPulp, or Genremall gives you one free entry. If you purchase Apex through Shocklines or Clarkesworld Books, please provide proof of the purchase. The purchase must be made between September 16th and November 18th.
The purchase of an Apex Digest subscription from the website, Amazon.com, BooksAMillion, or Magazines.com entitles you to one free entry and additional entry rate of $2.00. This subscription must be purchased between September 16th and November 18th.
You can enter as many times as desired.
We're looking for Sci-Fi Ghost Stories. Entries must be 2,000 words or less.
Contest starts Thursday, September 22nd. Contest ends Friday 11:59 p.m., November 18th EST.

The top four submissions will be chosen by an expert panel.
Panel members:
M.M. Buckner
Jason Marchi
Ben Bova

First Prize:
- $100
- Publication of story in issue four of Apex Science Fiction and Horror Digest.
- Subscription to Apex Science Fiction and Horror Digest - "Alien Head" Apex t-shirt
- Interviewed in the January 2006 edition of Apex Online.
- Signed copy of Orson Scott Card's "Characters and Viewpoints"
- Signed copy of Mary Doria Russell's "The Sparrow" and "Children of God"
- Signed Special Limited Edition Hardcover of Brian Keene's novel "Terminal". This is #199 of 400.
- Printer proof signed copy of Barry Maher's cult novel "Legend"
- Signed paperback copy of Bryan Smith's novel "House of Blood"
- DVD Box set of X-Files "Black Oil" donated by Horrorview.com
- DVD Box set third season of "Roswell" donated by Horrorview.com
- DVD of movie "Written in Blood" signed by director Simon Cox and cast
- "Sin-Jin Smyth" movie poster signed by director Ethan Dettenmaier and cast
- Signed copy of Steve Savile's rare "Houdini's Last Illusion"
- Signed UK hardcover copy of Sherrilyn Kenyon's "Sins of the Night"
- Signed galley copy of M.M. Buckner's latest novel, "War Surf"
- Signed paperback copy of JA Konrath's "Whiskey Sour"
Second, Third, and Fourth Prize:
- $25
- Subscription to Apex Science Fiction and Horror Digest
- Publication of story in Apex Online

Wicked Karnival

2005-09-28T08:04:00.000+12:00

I have submitted my experiment-in-second-person short story Modranecht to the Wicked Karnival competition (the Christmas theme was just too good to pass up).

I was alerted to the competition by the following post on the Apex Digest forum:

Killer Kritque writing contest news: Usually we pay the best story in the contest with some cash. Since it's going to be Christmas time I decided to add some more prizes on top of this for the winner of the Dec. contest. You'll find the guidelines, here all the way at the bottom: www.grimamericana.com/wst_page9.html
1st place wins:
1. $30
2. Black Christmas on Dvd, authographed by Bob Clark
3.Jack Ketchum is donating A signed hardcover copy of NIGHT VISIONS 10, in which his novella THE PASSENGER first appeared, along with a novella by John Shirley and stories by David B. Silva, edited by Richard Chizmar.
4. Elite is going to donate a horror dvd, TBA
5. Rick Hautala is donating 'Follow' signed.
6. Slaughterhouse of the Rising Sun on DVD
7. Simon Clark is donating HOTEL MIDNIGHT, a collection of short stories.
8. Asylum donated 'Frankenstein Reborn' and 'Beast of Bray Road' both signed by the director.
9. Asylum also donated Hide and Creep on dvd.
10. Jason Sizemore will donate a year subscription to the Apex Digest.
11. Graham Masterson is donating a signed copy of UNSPEAKABLE.

Apex Digest editor Jason Sizemore plans to enter as well. I have officially said: 'Ho ho ho,' to him.

what THE...?

2005-09-24T15:47:00.000+12:00

Kentucky novelist Mari Adkins posted on her blog about how cool it is to be flipping through hand-held print (as opposed to on-line print, I guess) and seeing your name. Flip back, point to it and get some warm tinglies.

Funny thing is, it was my name she pointed to in her uploaded image!

Ripped without her permission:
original from Apex Digest #3

I've been flipped and pointed at by a novelist.

I must be moving up in the world.

Apex Digest Issue #2

2005-09-22T04:37:00.000+12:00

Note - this issue contains my short story Not for Children so everything I am about to say is deleriously biased.

Apex Science Fiction and Horror Digest has come of age with the summer issue (#2).

Editor Jason Sizemore has pulled some name authors into the second edition to raise the bar, and the lesser-known writers have managed to also meet that mark. Sizemore’s vision of dark speculative fiction, hinted at in the premiere issue, has now exploded into realisation. The stories in the magazine have a tight dystopic theme running through, with a focus on individuals. Two sub-themes also emerge, providing a balance between black technology and bleak society.

The Falcon by James P Hogan opens the issue with an extremely skilful story of a woman who escapes her harsh reality into a dream of normality -- or perhaps it is a story of a woman recovering from a delusional psychosis of dystopia. Or perhaps it is a story of a political dissident being contained in a virtual prison by a society that is more complex and surprisingly humane, than first appears. The important point is, the story draws the reader through many levels of interpretation, limited only by the degree to which the reader chooses to be engaged. In the hands of an amateur, the story would struggle. In the hands of a writer as skillful as Hogan, this story by itself justifies the cover price of the magazine.

Thick and Thin by Russian sailor Peter Hagelslag is a Venusian morality tale about a nano/biotek symbiant named Halo of Flies and Murphy respectively. Hagelslag is a confident writer, and the reader is immediately won over by the tight characterisation of the constituent personalities of the symbiotic protagonist(s). The extremity of the physical environment is used to focus attention on the relationship – if Hagelslag were a boxer, he would certainly be punching above his weight.

A Flash of Light by novelist James R Cain is well written version of the oft used plot device: end-of-the-world/new-Eden-ism. But it is well written, and the reader is rewarded by the journey, if not the sting-in-the-tail.

An Odd Day in I-Forgot by Apex editorial staff newcomer Athena Workman is worth mentioning for the clearly envisioned setting, and (once again) memorable characters. Wert the Giant, Rusty the Fagger, Gregorina the Burnie, Teensy the Dwarf – all of them are used to great effect to indirectly describe a society of Housewife Hubbies, Mall giga-complexes and a curiously mixed Orwellan suburbia. It’s not what you see straight ahead, it’s what you see out of the corner of your eye that makes Odd Day work so well.

All of the other stories are well written and engaging. Not a turkey to be found, which is always a relief when reading small press genre publications. More to the point, Sizemore’s arrangement allows a reader to start at the beginning and finish at the end in a single sitting, without the reader feeling the need to check the length of the current story in the contents page, or flicking to the excellent reviews and interviews to take a break from amateur offerings. The cover art builds on the premiere issue visual brand, and although the quality of the interior art is inconsistent, some of the illustrations are excellent.

More to the point, the story arrangement is coherent, they are all high quality, and the magazine certainly kicks some serious genre arse.

Apex Digest Issue #1

2005-09-22T04:25:00.000+12:00

John Clute's popular Science Fiction: The Illustrated Encyclopedia opens a discussion on genre magazines with:

When we say PULP we may be describing a category of magazine, smaller than most of today's glossy magazines, [...] and generally devoted to fiction. [...] The format is now history, but pulp stories are still written.
-John Clute

Jason Sizemore's first issue of Apex Science Fiction and Horror Digest is a magazine smaller than most of today's glossy magazines, and is entirely devoted to fiction. The physical presentation of Apex Digest determined by Sizemore might or might not have been chosen to evoke a morphic resonance with the magazine's spiritual ancestors, but the effect is achieved nonetheless.

Within the gloss covers (preceeding comments regarding format notwithstanding) Sizemore presents ten short stories in the first 87 pages; and in the remaining 14 pages he delivers four book reviews, an essay, an interview, and a flashfic endpiece. The black and white graphics achieve a sense of consistency throughout, and the advertising is unobtrusive.

The overall style speaks to Sizemore's vision of a professional quality small press genre offering that has both physical and market substance. His interview with Project Pulp's Jon Hodges is insightful and thought-provoking and worth the cover price for genre hopefuls wanting to benefit from Hodges's considerable market experience.

But what about the stories? One contributon certainly hits the mark of Sizemore's stated aim to deliver 'dark' SF, and two more are close. Allergies by short fiction newcomer Christine W. Murphy tells the story of an itinerant security worker desperately trying to keep one space-station ahead of the secret of her weakness in a synthetic society. The run-of-the-mill situation is written well and easy to read. And that easiness is used to good effect as the story slides effortlessly to a disturbing conclusion. The secret, when revealed, is anti-climactic: the disturbing situation in which the protagonist finds herself is made all the more disturbing by her obliviously focusing on the 'official' denoument. The casual reader could be forgiven for making the same mistake.

Liam Rands's story His Cross to Bear is a thoughtful examination of society's response to crime (including crimes of ommission) told from the point of view of a man being kept alive while crucified on the outskirts of an interplanetary colony. Halfway through, Rands subtly turns his focus, and explores personal altruism. Although well-written and certainly a dark situation on the face of it, the story's conclusion (while satisfying) somewhat robs the piece of the degree of darkness Sizemore appears to be working towards.

Similarly, Lawrence M. Schoen's contribution The conservation of Thelos ended on too wholesome a note to fully realise the full potential of his engaging elemental protagonist. Instead of becoming the Gully Foyle (of Bester's Tiger! Tiger! (Stars my Destination in USA release)) suggested at the outset, Schoen's anti-hero becomes whole and healed, but only through exposure to a more terrible anger than his own. There is a lesson contained therein, but the story's contribution to Apex Digest's overall mood of darkness is made a little less than it might otherwise have been with a different ending.

The other stories are all written well enough, but none stand out quite like the three already mentioned, particularly in the context of a dark SF publication.

Overall, Apex Science Fiction and Horror Digest is a product greater than the sum of its parts. Good stories, good reviews (and essay), a great interview all add up to a top notch debut. But most of all, Sizemore's vision promises future editions will build on this good start.

Addendum: Apex Digest has a lively and useful support website with an online edition (different than the print publication) and discussion forum and more.

Grimm

2005-09-20T16:02:00.000+12:00

It had slipped my mind, but Peter Hagelslag (Apex Digest #2 contributor) gave a very flattering review of the first two parts of Grimm when they were first published by Apex Online. His short story, Thick and Thin, was one of the stand-outs of the same print issue of Apex within which my own Not for Children was published.

Here's the review as posted in the Apex Digest forum:

If both The Orpheus Project in Apex Online Issue #4 and The Janus Legacy in Apex Online Issue #5 are but a precursor of things to come, then the readers of both the Summer Issue of Apex Digest and Apex Online #6 are in for a treat.
Sparks demonstrates an uncanny ability in the building of narrative tension. Part 1 of Grimm sets the tone for a story arc of Cthulhuan proportions, starting off in an unnamed University of an non-descripit town where a lone professor delves into the great unknown in search for his lost love. In a haunting sequence continuously teetering on the brink of dream and reality the uncertain outcome, where Grimm must decide if the horrible confrontation he's been through was real or not, leaves the reader with the nightmarish feel of impending doom.
Also, when required, Sparks does not hesitate to rupture his almost dreamlike visions with a sharp shock of pure gore, as also part 2 of Grimm aptly exhibits. This Matrioshka-like telling has profound horror hiding in a tale within a tale. As the reader slowly peels away layer after layer of this horrific onion of a tale the stench of something truly rotten within becomes almost palpable.
The narrative distance of a historical documentary and the journal of a ship surgeon seems like a recipe for inducing sleep, but in Sparks' hands it becomes a device for for slowly, yet inexorably building up the tension, an edge-of-the-seat ride where the sudden moments of carnage are not a gimmick but an indispensable peak of terror.
For Sparks there is not only the great challenge of following up (and concluding) the high-strung suspense of Grimm parts 1 and 2 in the inevitable part 3, but also in meeting mounting reader expectations in the Summer Issue of Apex Digest... Not only that, but rumour has it that he is also converting his Grimm sequence into a graphic novel, and that he finds inspiration in the smallest of chambers.
-Peter Hagelslag, Apex Digest forum: Discuss the Authors

Since then I have published of all five parts, and completed the graphic adaptation of Part 1 and Part 2 in a single issue.

(1) The Orpheus Project
(2) The Janus Legacy
(3) The Artemis Ascendancy
(4) The Tantalus Effect
(5) The Prosperina Affair

Graphic Novel: The Orpheus Project -- with NEW Page-flip(tm) page-turning and essential-to-the-story nudity!

Seven Wives

2005-09-19T18:22:00.000+12:00

I'm not sure why, but a couple of new reviews for Cat (no relation) Sparks' 2004 anthology Agog!: Smashing Stories have appeared. The anthology includes Aurealis Award nominated Seven Wives, the story I consider my personal best to date.

I thought it timely to collect the various reviews (or at least the parts that mention Seven Wives) in one place:

...an unusual take on cloning. I loved its execution. It's one of the standout stories for me because the emotions in this are so evocative.

- Alinta Thornton (Clarion South 2004 alumnus), Blog review August 2004

Before we decide anything final on the cloning issue, we might all want to read Bryn Sparks thought-provoking "Seven Wives." There may be some aspects we haven't taken into account.

- Lisa Dumond, SF site featured review, August 2004

Bryn Sparks (Seven Wives) and Trent Jamieson (Endure) provide moody sketches of societies quite removed from our own...

- Ben Payne, Orb Magazine 6

There’s so many other good stories in here, including [...] Bryn Sparks’ exploration of identity and … uh … clones’ rights in “Seven Wives”...

- Devin Jeyathurai, ...AS IF..., June 2005

Haines's piece is the story of a man whose life is plagued by his childhood rival. The women in this piece are little more than sexual pawns and the story pairs interestingly with Bryn Sparks's "Seven Wives", a brief but unexpected analysis of cloning's relationship to female equality.

- Miranda Siemienowicz, HorrorScope, Sept 2005

Good collection of mainly darkish stories. Interesting to note that this collection of Aussie fiction contains a story by a Kiwi. [...] I suppose it reads like a fantasy when you first start in before the cloning ethics stuff kicks in. It gave me a genuine "oh!" moment of realisation that it wasn't a fantasy (well I was more leaning surreal actually). It also gave me a "Hmmmm" moment when I started to think about the issues. An "oh" and a "hmmm" together in one little story is really good going...

- Ross Temple (Phoenix SF Society), Blog post

I understand the anthology is no longer available. I also note it was LEFT OUT of the Australian Years Best Fantasy/SF for 2004, even though half the rest of the collection were included.

I think it must be because my great-great-great grandparents were both transportees.

Fuggin elitist decendents of guards and free colonials.

Accountant: Life on the Streets

2005-09-16T14:21:00.000+12:00

Apex Horror and Science Fiction Digest #3 containing my story Accountant: Life on the Streets is on sale! Editor Jason Sizemore has repeatedly described Issue 3 as:

Best. Issue. Ever
Jason Sizemore - Apex Digest

Who am I to disagree? Stories to look out for in the issue (by all acounts) include Meat Eaters by Sue Lange and Big Sister/Little Sister by Jennifer Pelland.

(Illustration by Billy Tackett for Apex Digest #3)

I've been looking forward to seeing Accountant in print for a looooong time. But I'm extremely nervous about how it will be received. Jason Sizemore is both bold and brave.

Apparently Jason has a broad chest and firm pecs as well. Or so he claims.

Seize the Day

2005-09-16T14:15:00.000+12:00

Apex Horror and Science Fiction Digest have picked up Seize the Day (formerly "Elfboy") as the Parting Shot for Issue #4. In a completely fugged form, this story was the first I wrote as an adult. Which means I am the only contributor to have appeared in three issues of Apex. I think.

It (the story) still makes me laugh.

There's something tragic about laughing at your own stories, I'm quite sure.

Bourbon and Blood

2005-09-15T12:52:00.000+12:00

Speaking of Tangent Online reviews, I noticed ASIM 19 has popped up.

Review for Bourbon and Blood:

For the second time this issue, a beautiful woman walks into a private detective’s office in Bryn Spark’s “Bourbon and Blood.” Rather than a new case, this skirt happens to be the heat, and things are going to be uncomfortably hot for our P.I. As with “The Big Cheat,” this story gets points from me just for being future-noir. The mood and the voice of the piece are excellent. The story itself, well, to be honest, didn’t click with me. It’s close to clicking, but it feels like there is just one plot detail somewhere that I’m missing. As always, the problem could be just with me being thick-headed rather than with the story, and the story has more than enough style to make it worth checking out either way.

Paul Iutzi - Tangent Online

Likes the style but didn't quite get the denouement. I've lived with that story for quite a while, so it is hard to look at it with completely fresh eyes. I think it is there, but I guess Bourbon and Blood might be one of those stories that takes two readings.

Not for Children.

2005-09-15T12:32:00.000+12:00

Never say that asking gets you nowhere. Following my post yesterday, Shane Cummings has officially expanded the consideration criteria for his Australian Dark Fantasy and Horror: Years Best anthology to include New Zealand and Pacific Island writers.

I have will have a copy of Apex #2 in the post to him this afternoon for his consideration of Not for Children.

Reviews for Not for Children include:

"Not For Children" is listed as being written by Bryn Sparks, but I tend to believe it was actually written by the Brothers Grimm’s older and even grimmer sibling. It is a fairy tale, told by a witch in a fairy tale, and however you put it together, it is dark. For fans of this rather narrow subgenre, this is a winner. If you consider Hans Christian Anderson and his ilk only suitable for children, even when everyone is dying, you’ll want to move along.

Mathew Foster - Tangent Online

[...]"Not For Children" by Bryn Sparks provides a well-crafted ending to the main fiction section. It’s a kind of allegorical tale within an allegorical tale, along the lines of be careful what you wish for, and be wary where you tread. A young man seeks the ‘favours’ of the beautiful ‘Woman of the Caves’. But all is not as it seems with this woman, and the young man’s lust is also his undoing. And while the witch’s spell takes effect, we are treated to a story within a story, where the desert near the caves is shown to be no place for children. I must admit to being a little confused as to how the two portions of the tale are really supposed to mesh together. It’s one of those tales that has you scratching your head a little, as if the real meaning is slightly fogged. It does, however, make for entertaining reading.

Steven Pirie - Whispers of Wickedness

"Not For Children" plays out more like a fantasy, but the engaging take on a Brother's Grimm classic is deliciously dark.

Customer review - Project Pulp

Slog update (September)

2005-09-15T12:21:00.000+12:00

Slog (Submission log) update

Wing and a Prayer - sub - WotF June quarter - under consideration

Queen of Stars - sub - Aurealis - under consideration

Garden Planet - sub - Apex Digest - rejected (but I WILL get it in somewhere)

Seize the Day - sub - Apex Digest - under consideration

Accountant: Life on the Streets - pub - Apex Digest - due any day

The Destruction of Sennacherib - pub - Robots and Time (Altair) - due?

Hah! I found the 'post' button again!

2005-09-14T15:38:00.000+12:00

I just posted a comment at Shane Jiraiya Cummings' blog regarding his forthcoming Australian Dark Fantasy and Horror: The Best of 2005 to the effect that it would be cool to see an "Australasian" year's best.

In the spirit of ANZACs vs The World and all that.

Also it sucks to preface all my subs to Australian publications with: "I'm not really an Australian, but..."

One

2005-06-08T12:59:00.000+12:00

(tap tap) -- whiiiiine -- "Is this thing working?"